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Bishop Radagast Von Figaro
(Human) | Chaotic Neutral
Rogue (UA Variant) 1 / Beguiler 8 / Human Paragon 3
About the Bishop
Bishop Von Figaro recognizes and respects the law as an authority, but one that applies to other people. He sees the legal system as something meant to shepherd the masses from killing each other wantonly, but of course the Bishop himself knows better, and needs no such supervising.
Likewise, Radagast is also a Good person. The reason he can flout and sidestep the law (not to mention the Fraternity of Order and the Mercykillers) is because, inherently, Radagast sees himself as acting in a way that helps people, one way or another. He understands that some crime is a result of the social and economic burdens that the rich and their “civilization” have heaped upon the lower classes, and Radagast seeks to upend that imbalance by testing the upper classes' wits– and to redistribute their wealth, as per Olidammara's direct command. Although he'll deny his membership to everyone, even faction leaders, Radagast is a relatively new but active member of the Fated; he sees them– particularly the other thieves and con-men– as his clergy.
How the Bishop started Adventuring
Radagast Von Figaro was a decommissioned soldier coming back from a long campaign in Ysgard against Norsemen. Due to the nature of the plane, he lived an abnormally long life, never aging– but every time he died in combat, he rose again the next day, to fight anew. After seven years of nonstop fighting against the hoary berzerkers, and after experiencing countless battles and ways to die, Radagast decided to formally leave.
One day, he discovered a priest looking inconsolable, coming from the opposite direction. Asking what was the matter, Radagast learned that the priest had surrendered his beautiful daughter over to a local young lord. The lord had espied her by chance while hunting; the priest, being old and powerless before the combined retinue, had little choice in the matter.
Radagast vowed to help the priest, in exchange for a tenth of the priest's coffers. The priest hesitated, but eventually agreed, and brought Von Figaro to a small but wealthy market hamlet, loomed over by an impressive mansion. Much to the priest's horror, Radagast thought little of going straight to the mansion, and introducing himself as nobility, too. The handsome, if older, lord was immediately won over by Radagast's charms and stories of glorious battles and deaths, and he insisted that Radagast stay on as a guest.
The lord also introduced him to Caraain, his beautiful newest acquisition in a vast museum-like hall of beautiful objects. Though radiant and undoubtedly a paragon of beauty, the priest's daughter looked haggard and pale, as if she'd been crying heavily. Over the first night's dinner, the lord only barely contained his anger that she was suddenly so unfit for presentation. Caraain fled from the table, sobbing anew, and the lord flippantly commented how he was looking forward to breaking her like a wild mare; either that, or discard such a disappointingly-flawed specimen.
Von Figaro knew he had to hurry. He asked his host if he'd be willing to sell her to him. The lord, a merchant who'd done well for himself in the art market, said he'd consider it only if Radagast brought him an object of even greater beauty to replace Caraain. The hamlet marketplace teemed with exotic masterpieces (largely built up and fueled by the lord's own enterprises and custom), but Radagast knew he'd have to come up with a plan, being largely penniless on the whole.
On the first day, Von Figaro pocketed an exquisite silver and ivory snuffcase, and pawned it in the marketplace in exchange for a fluted, radiant crystal decanter. The lord was hardly impressed. “Very well,” said Radagast, taking back the decanter, “perhaps tomorrow will be more fortuitous.”
The next day, he took the decanter– and half of the lord's collection of lacquered-and-jeweled eggs– in exchange for a masterfully-engraved Tarrasque tooth, but again the lord was hardly pleased. And so it continued for four more days, over which the lord unnoticedly lost a one-of-a-kind bust of Mordenkain, a handful of ioun stones, an illuminated tome of spells, and, finally, two ornamented warforged corpses. And over the four days, the vainglorious lord respectively turned down a painting by a reknowned, master artist, a massive four-poster bed with a minor enchantment on it, a stuffed Beholder with a massive opal for its central eye, and, finally, a greatsword whose blade was replaced with a single, flawless diamond. Each offering was more beautiful than the last, but still the lord– perhaps driven by curiosity by this point– refused Radagast's entreaties.
On the seventh day, Radagast returned from the market with the original crystal decanter, and a cork stopper.
“No gifts for me this day?” the lord asked.
“Just one,” Radagast said, and he beseeched the lord to exhale into the decanter. As he was being obliged, Radagast used his Prestidigitation amulet coin to turn his breath into a shimmering, gold cloud, which he trapped into the decanter.
“I present you with your last breath,” Von Figaro explained: so long as the breath was trapped therein, the lord would age as usual, but would never reach the moment of his last breath. There was plenty of time to find a way to reverse the aging later on, surely; the ritual was complicated and exotic, and far beyond his own ability to understand or explain how it worked.
The vain, old lord was smitten with his present, and released the girl– obviously worse for the wear, but otherwise unbroken in spirit– immediately. Radagast and Caraain fled on horseback till the horses died beneath them, and then bought a fresh pair with one of the ten perfect emeralds Radagast had sold the diamond sword for, and then they rode some more.
On the third day, Radagast and Caraain arrived at the old priest's chapel, her home. The priest could hardly believe his eyes, and he couldn't stop hugging his daughter, nor she him.
“As promised, your treasure– and, if you will, I'd like to claim mine,” said Radagast.
The priest lowered his head in shame. “Alas, we have nothing. Ten percent of naught is still naught, but I am all the more shamed for havnig brokered this ransom.” But he and Caraain looked on in confusion, as Von Figaro laughed appreciatively at the trick, and approached the wooden cofferbox.
Radagast said, “I believe you're wrong, if you'll permit me to show you,” and then he began to make a flourish with his hands. He seemingly plucked giant emeralds, nine in all, from the air, and dropped them into the coffer box. “And I believe our deal was for ten percent of all the box's contents,” he added, and blew a meaningful kiss in, for good measure.
Beautiful Caraain, the priest's daughter, understood quickly, and happily paid him his tenth, with her thanks and, truthfully, with her love.
After that, the three of them fled, using a portion of the precious stones to pay their way. At Yggdrisil, the Worlds Tree, they parted ways unhappily, and once again Radagast found himself alone. He camped on the Worlds Tree, just outside of the portal the priest and his daughter fled through, and was visited by Olidammara that very night, in his dreams.
The Laughing God was well-pleased with him and his deeds. The priest was a servant of his, and by tricking the noble, Radagast had brought happiness to the noble, the priest and his daughter, and the entire marketplace hamlet. Olidammara continued, asking Von Figaro to be his follower and his instrument, and to spread his dogma of chaos and serendipity to the multiple, infinite planes. He would provide the rogue with a boon: a guide and companion, and a flock in need of a shepherd– in Sigil.
Radagast von Figaro woke at that moment, just as a Fey was attempting to rob him. Catching her before she could get away, he enticed her with the prospect of seeing the multiverse, and she quickly, eagerly, agreed to go with him to Sigil. Her name is Skippy
Places owned by the Bishop
The Bishop is now the proprietor of The Dirty Habit, which is a modest tavern and performance house in Sylvania.
The Bishop is also the founder of The Sigil University of Practical Economics, which is a secluded university for those who wish to become thieves, especially magically-empowered thieves.
Recently, the Bishop has started thinking of building up the army camp in Ysgard in order to become a fully fledged town. The town's name is intended to be Bishop's Landing.
The Bishop's Contacts and Followers
One of the Bishop's earlier (later) adventures
Originally written June 2008, from the perspective of an older Bishop/Baron.
Ah, now this reminds of a day in my youth, when I was faced with a not unsimilar predicament. Of course, while this lazy lackabout lot of God's mistakes are no real bother to us, I recall when I was in a fair bit of trouble when I was but a dashing minstrel, charged by no less than the Lady of Pain to seek out a small treasure for her.
Now, understand, that I am a man impassioned by history and culture, and that in my long time upon this plane, I have attempted to make contact and learn from as many disparate sources as the steel-handed monks of Nigendo and the dragon-mouthed swordsmen of Rokugan, to the clerics of the sun-blighted lands of Athas and the dragon-hunters of Krynn, all the way down to the mysterious alpaca riding aboriginals of Nehwon. Knowing this, the Lady of Pain, that charming, feisty lass– that beautiful, singular lady– begged of me to gift her with the dark bitter delight, chocolate.
Oh, I dear say that I am fully aware that the ebony sweets of Machu Pichu are heavily guarded and no man of alabaster flesh such as myself is thought of as royal enough to taste the delight. But, I am not some tottering dandy from the powder parlors of Marseilles. Machu Pichu is guarded by a legion of unblinking, unsleeping hypnotized followers of the Feathered Serpent, ten thousand strong, each seven foot tall and each carrying trunks of fine mahogany five feet long, covered in wickedest obsidian dipped in the venom of serpents. They did give me some trouble, but something you should know about the natives of these lands is their irrational fear of a simple housecat!
Now, where was I? Yes, piercing those outer defenses was simple enough. The serpents though, the serpents as thick as a carriage wheel and as long as the Rhine is wide, those did give me trouble, in the long grasses. Fortunately, they love the taste of human flesh, but they love the taste of one another more, the priests encouraging the litters to feast on one another from birth for ferocity's sake. My cutlass gave them a few nicks, enough for them to smell each other, and I dashed far enough away that their simple reptilian brains latched on to the nearest food.
And, how I convinced the priesthood to give me their precious sweetmeat? Well… At the moment, the priesthood was chaired by a high PriestESS. My honor as a gentleman prevents me from delving deeper into this manner sirs, I do apologize.
Three weeks after I first enjoyed her company and acquaintance, dear sirs, however, she at last relented to my numerous reluctant requests to be released from her personal chambers. Pressing my luck further, I convinced her to lend me a barge, laden with treasures of ceramics and gold, and staffed by no less than twenty beautiful virginal temple maidens, and hastily– but not too hastily– made my way back to the Lady of Pain in the central district of Sigil. What thanks she gave and lavished upon me for the chocolate, however, is another remarkable story… but perhaps one for another time.
Bishop? Or Baron?
Radagast von Figaro has set himself up as an heir to the late Baron Luhix, a major nobleman from the plane of Arcadia, who has a reputation for a number of illegitimate heirs. Several faked documents were sent to Arcadia, as well as seeded through Sigil's own Hall of Records, thanks to Savrin.
What you already know: “The Barony you've managed to tumble to (with a little massaging of the facts) comes from a parcel of land on Abellio, the first layer of Arcadia. The original owner was a planeswalking adventurer who, through some noteworthy quest or accomplishment, was granted a title and parcel of land by a Dwarven King from Mount Clangeddin, the Realm of the Dwarven Gods on that plane. Though the newly appointed Baron had the rights to the land, he never chose to build on or develop it, instead buying a house in Sigil and taking a wife.
After gambling and drinking away most of his fortune, the final nail in the coffin for his public reputation was a scandalous affair between his wife and highly placed noble in Sigil's Lady's Ward. Still heavy with child, she fled the city to parts unknown, leaving him to hang himself in his beautifully appointed home for the Fated tax collectors to find as they came to repossess the house.
The land itself is a four-acre parcel a day's ride away from Mount Clangeddin. Reportedly, the only structure on the property is a single modest house built for a hired groundskeeper to tend to the land and protect the claim. With the owner dead, and any potential inheritors missing, the property has remained in legal limbo, and it is currently unknown if the groundskeeper is even still maintaining the land.
Thanks to Savrin's creative bookkeeping, certain alterations have been made to public records, making it possible for birth records and other paperwork to be credibly forged to place you as the son of the Baron, the lost heir to his land and title. You hold the title and deed in your possessions.”
The University Library:
“Tobers grumbles about it, but agrees to help you with some Planar Research. After a little digging through the stacks, you turn up a thick book bound in gray fabric with iron studs on the front cover, pages yellowed with age. 'On the Laws and Lore of Arcadia: A Practical Manuscript' provides you with a surprisingly deep insight into the layout and workings of the plane, though even Tobers isn't entirely sure why part of the map in the appendix seems burned off.
Aside from the basics of the planar geography, major towns, and inhabitants, you also learn of several portals in the plane that lead to various other locations, though not the exact location of either side or the needed portal key.”
Attached files are pages from the “Player's Guide to Law” in the “Planes of Law” Planescape boxed set. The entry on Arcadia in the Manual of the Planes (p.130) should also be relevant, but these pages are the most detailed information you can find on Arcadia via research.
The Bishop's FATED Journey logs
The Bishop has recently begun filing action reports to the Fated Hall of Records, where they may be reviewed by future Planeswalkers. They may be viewed at The Von Figaro Reports.
